Fifty. The Big 5-0. Holy Smokes! I can hardly believe I’m writing this—but here I am, staring down this monumental milestone with excitement, a little nostalgia, and a whole lot of anticipation for what’s ahead.
In 76 days, I’ll be stepping into my 50s—a new decade, a fresh chapter, the second half of my life. And rather than seeing it as something to dread, I’m choosing to see it as a doorway. A threshold. A moment where I can look back at everything I’ve experienced, learned, and accomplished—and then boldly declare that the best is yet to come.
Looking Back with Gratitude
As I reflect on the first 50 years of my life, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of gratitude. Life hasn’t been perfect—far from it—but it’s been rich, colorful, messy, beautiful, and deeply meaningful.
I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve grown, I’ve struggled, I’ve laughed until my sides hurt, and I’ve cried tears that reminded me just how much I care. I’ve reinvented myself more times than I can count, and each time, I’ve discovered more strength, more wisdom, and more resilience than I thought possible.
Every scar tells a story. Every triumph reminds me of my power. Every mistake shaped the person I’ve become.
And now, standing here at the edge of this new decade, I see it all with softer eyes. Not judgment. Not regret. Just appreciation for the journey.
The Best Is Yet to Come
Here’s the thing: I know in my bones that turning 50 isn’t an ending—it’s a beginning. It’s the start of the most powerful, purposeful, joy-filled chapter of my life.
There’s a freedom that comes with reaching this age. A freedom from worrying so much about what people think. A freedom to live life on my own terms. A freedom to put myself first, unapologetically, and to chase after the dreams that are still burning inside me.
The best is not behind me—it’s ahead of me.
76 Days of Preparation
That’s where this countdown comes in. I’ve got 76 days to prepare—not just for a party or a birthday candle blowout, but for a full mind-body-soul reset.
I want to step into my 50s with my physical, mental, spiritual, and financial health stronger than ever. That means:
- Physical: Moving my body in ways that bring me energy and joy. Nourishing myself with food that feels good. Prioritizing rest and recovery so I feel vibrant when the big day arrives.
- Mental: Reflecting on my journey so far, setting fresh goals, and nurturing my curiosity. I want my mind sharp, resilient, and open to new adventures.
- Spiritual: Deepening my connection to my inner self, my values, and the divine. Cultivating gratitude and presence as I step into this new era.
- Financial: Getting grounded, intentional, and abundant in how I manage my resources—because security and freedom go hand in hand.
This isn’t about perfection. It’s about intention. About stepping into my 50s with a strong foundation and a clear vision of the kind of woman I’m becoming.
A Celebration of Life
So yes, I’ll be celebrating BIG when the day arrives. But more than balloons and cake, this milestone is about celebrating life itself. It’s about honoring the path that brought me here and stepping boldly into the one that lies ahead.
Fifty is not something to fear—it’s something to embrace with open arms and a full heart.
76 days to go. Let’s do this.
In March 2020, the unthinkable happened. Practically overnight, the world shut down in response to COVID—and at the very same time, I made the life-altering decision to leave my husband and move out of my marital home.
It was the first time I had ever lived on my own, and the timing felt strangely perfect. While most people saw the shutdown as an obstacle, I felt it was a blessing. In fact, I sometimes wonder if the universe orchestrated it just for me. The stillness gave me the space I desperately needed to adjust, heal, and rediscover myself.
One of my greatest blessings during that season was my “Biddies”—three friends who became my lifeline. Four single women navigating life alone, we leaned on each other through the uncertainty. We laughed, cried, supported, and kept each other sane in the middle of a world that felt like it was unraveling. For about a year and a half, life felt surprisingly full and beautiful.
But as the world slowly reopened, my friends returned to their pre-COVID routines. Their lives picked up again—mine didn’t. That’s when the loneliness I had been spared finally caught up with me. The hurt, anger, and grief I had been able to push aside came rushing to the surface.
That’s when I chose therapy. My therapist taught me the importance of learning how to keep myself company—something I had never truly mastered. And not long after, I made another big decision: I was moving to Florida.
I figured if I was going to be lonely, I’d rather be lonely somewhere without winter. In June 2022, I packed up and gave myself a two-year window to see what Florida could offer. I joined a singles group (with a convenient two-year contract), made friends, and eventually met my wonderful boyfriend. When my contract ended and my roommate moved out, I found myself in a cozy one-bedroom apartment, surrounded by good memories, lasting friendships, and a relationship I cherish.
But even with those blessings, loneliness has crept back in over the past year. My boyfriend’s busy schedule means he’s not always around. My friends, no longer bound together by the singles group, have returned to their own lives. We still connect now and then, but my evenings are quieter these days. And truthfully—I don’t mind. I’m not much of a party person anyway. I prefer peaceful nights and productive days.
Still, I sometimes catch myself wondering why the phone doesn’t ring, or why I’m not included in more plans. And yet, I see the difference between who I was back then and who I am now. I’m no longer searching for distractions to fill the silence. Instead, I want to spend my time intentionally—protecting my energy, raising my vibration, and aligning with what truly matters.
So here I am, ready for the next chapter. Over the next twelve months, I plan to educate myself, challenge myself, grow in ways I’ve only dreamed of, and bring those dreams to life.
For Anyone Who Can Relate
If you’ve ever found yourself in a season of transition, heartbreak, or loneliness, know that you are not alone. These times can feel heavy, but they are also powerful opportunities to create something new. A few things that have helped me—and may help you too:
- Find your “Biddies.” Even one or two people who truly “get” you can make all the difference. Seek out friendships where love and support flow both ways.
- Give yourself permission to heal. Therapy, journaling, or simply allowing your feelings to surface without judgment can be transformative.
- Learn to keep yourself company. Take yourself on walks, start a new hobby, or dedicate time to something you’ve always wanted to learn. Your own presence can become comforting, not scary.
- Be intentional with your energy. Pay attention to who and what fills your cup—and who or what drains it. Choose accordingly.
- Create a vision for your next chapter. Even if it feels far away, setting goals or making a plan for the future can give you direction and hope.
Loneliness doesn’t mean you’re broken—it often means you’re being given space to rebuild yourself in a stronger, more aligned way.
So if you’re standing where I once stood, trust that this season won’t last forever. Growth is waiting for you, and you get to decide how the next chapter of your story unfolds.
We’ve all met two people who have gone through similar challenges but ended up on completely different paths. Maybe it’s two coworkers who both lost their jobs, two friends who both faced heartbreak, or two neighbors who both battled health setbacks. On the surface, their circumstances look nearly identical. But their outcomes? Night and day.
I was recently reflecting on how much our mindset shapes our experience of healing and growth. Take something like a physical injury. Two people could suffer the same issue — even at the same time. One might approach it with determination, focusing on health, fitness, and building resilience. The other might lean on quick fixes, give up activities that once brought them joy, or turn to substances just to get through the day.
Neither approach makes someone “good” or “bad” — it simply highlights how powerfully our beliefs and choices shape our journey. When we decide to double down on supporting our bodies and minds, even when it’s hard, we open ourselves to healing, possibility, and joy. But when we let pain dictate our choices, we risk shrinking our world until the things that once made us feel alive start to disappear.
Why Mindset Is a Healing Tool
- Belief creates momentum. When we believe healing is possible, we’re more likely to take steps that support recovery.
- Small choices add up. Choosing movement, proper nutrition, and self-care daily builds strength over time.
- Joy is medicine. Holding on to activities that light us up can be just as important for healing as the exercises we do.
- Quick fixes have trade-offs. While substances or distractions can ease the moment, they don’t address the root cause — and sometimes keep us stuck.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- Am I choosing habits that move me closer to healing, or ones that keep me comfortable but stagnant?
- What activities bring me joy that I refuse to give up, even if I need to modify how I do them?
- How can I support my body and my mind through this challenge?
At the end of the day, our bodies are resilient — but our minds often set the pace for our healing. The story we tell ourselves matters. If we choose to believe in our own strength, we can often find ways to keep joy and movement alive, even in the middle of challenges.
There’s a moment on the spiritual path that no one really warns you about. It comes after the breakthroughs.
After the ahas. After the downloads, awakenings, and bursts of creative fire.
It’s quiet here. Still.
Almost... too still.
For me, it came like this: I’d been on a whirlwind of spiritual growth for months — learning, unlearning, expanding, purging, creating, questioning, trusting. It was exhilarating. Dizzying. Purposeful.
And then, it stopped. No drama. No crash. Just… the absence of the urge to keep digging.
I felt so different, yet somehow still the same. I didn't want to study anything.
I didn’t feel called to create anything. I wasn’t seeking more. I didn’t need to.
I felt so different, yet somehow still the same. I didn't want to study anything.
I didn’t feel called to create anything. I wasn’t seeking more. I didn’t need to.
And for a moment, I wondered: Is something wrong with me? Am I stuck? Am I disconnected?
But here's what I’ve come to understand: this phase is sacred.
The Integration Phase: Where Spirit Settles into Self
The integration phase is the time after an energetic or emotional expansion where your mind, body, and soul begin to synthesize what you’ve just experienced. You’re not in motion anymore, but you're still transforming — just beneath the surface.
You can think of it like this:
- After a big meal, you need time to digest.
- After an intense yoga practice, you lie in savasana.
- After planting seeds, the soil looks still — but magic is happening underground.
Spiritual integration is that kind of stillness.
You’re metabolizing lessons. You’re recalibrating.
Old patterns are quietly unraveling.
New frequencies are settling into your system.
Old patterns are quietly unraveling.
New frequencies are settling into your system.
And because we live in a world that equates stillness with stagnation, it can feel unnerving. Like you’ve lost momentum. But in truth, you’re entering a more embodied state — where wisdom isn't just understood intellectually, but lived quietly and naturally.
This is where your soul stops shouting and begins to whisper.
Where the chase ends, and you begin to trust the becoming.
Where the chase ends, and you begin to trust the becoming.
How to Find Peace Inside the Integration Phase
There’s no rush here. No "next step" to push toward.
But if you’re craving some gentle support inside this stillness, here are a few soul-honoring ways to soften into it:
But if you’re craving some gentle support inside this stillness, here are a few soul-honoring ways to soften into it:
1. Let stillness be the practice.
You don’t need to force peace — just make space for it.
Five quiet minutes with your eyes closed. A slow walk without your phone. A full body sigh.
Stillness is not empty. It’s full of presence.
Five quiet minutes with your eyes closed. A slow walk without your phone. A full body sigh.
Stillness is not empty. It’s full of presence.
2. Anchor your days with tiny rituals.
A candle in the morning. A single oracle card. A warm cup of tea in the same mug every day.
Ritual helps you feel held — without requiring anything from you.
Ritual helps you feel held — without requiring anything from you.
3. Give yourself permission to be unproductive.
This is integration’s greatest challenge. Your worth is not in your doing. Let yourself rest without guilt. You are still growing, even in the pause.
4. Journal what feels complete.
Instead of asking what's next, try asking:
“What is done?”
“What no longer needs my energy?”
Sometimes clarity arrives when we stop trying to make something happen.
5. Trust your rhythm.
The urge to create or seek will return, naturally. Don’t worry about missing it — you’ll know. For now, let this be enough.
A Gentle Ritual for the Spiritual Pause
If you’re in this space right now — not hungry for more, but not lost either — consider honoring this phase with a simple ritual:
The Candle & Cup Ritual
🕯️ Light a small candle.
🥣 Pour yourself a cup of tea or water.
🌬️ Sit in stillness for three breaths.
📖 Then say aloud or in your heart:
🥣 Pour yourself a cup of tea or water.
🌬️ Sit in stillness for three breaths.
📖 Then say aloud or in your heart:
“I welcome this stillness.
I trust the pause.
I honor all that has shifted within me.
I allow this integration to unfold in perfect time.
I am enough, even in the quiet.”
Drink slowly. Breathe deeply. No need to feel anything special. Just be there.
A Journaling Prompt for This Space
When you're ready to reflect, try this:
“What feels complete in me right now?”Followed by:“What do I no longer need to chase?”
Let the answers rise without force. Sometimes the deepest wisdom emerges not from asking, but from allowing the space to receive.
If you’re here — in the in-between, the neutral zone, the eye of your own inner storm — take heart. You are not broken. You are not lazy. You are not behind.
You are becoming.
In stillness.
In softness.
In surrender.
In stillness.
In softness.
In surrender.
And that is sacred work, too.
Last night, I had a dream!!
As someone with Aphantasia, I don’t typically remember my dreams. I know I have them—vividly and often—but the details almost always slip away the moment I open my eyes. So when a dream does stay with me, even in fragments, I pay attention. I know it's Uni (the Universe) whispering a message I’m meant to receive.
Most nights, my dream recall is either completely blank or filled with bits and pieces that seem nonsensical. Still, I trust. I dive into the energy of the dream and trust that what I’m meant to discern will reveal itself in time.
The Dream
Here’s what I remember:
I think I was at my boyfriend’s house. He was busy with the children, and then—someone knocked at the door.
I didn’t want to answer it. After all, it wasn’t my house. Instead, I walked to the door and simply held up my hand, signaling just a moment. But the knocking continued.
I repeated my signal—“Hold on”—but whoever was on the other side didn’t stop. The front door was made of smoky glass, so I couldn’t see who it was… but I could feel a presence. A strong one. A being of some kind was waiting.
And then—I woke up.
The Echo
Later that day, I was speaking with a client. She casually mentioned something that made my jaw drop. She was on the phone with her boyfriend the night before when she heard a knock at the door. She told him, “I’m not answering it.” But guess what? It was him—surprising her in the sweetest way.
That conversation brought my dream rushing back to the surface. The mystery knock. The door I wouldn’t open.
The Message
In dream symbolism, someone knocking on a door can represent:
- A new opportunity
- A spiritual awakening
- An invitation to step into a new phase
- A call to emotional healing
- A moment to take ownership of your path
The message I’m sitting with now is this: What am I hesitating to open? What am I sensing but not yet ready to face? Is there something—emotionally or spiritually—waiting for me to invite it in?
The smoky glass feels symbolic too. I couldn’t see clearly, but I could feel the truth on the other side. Sometimes we don’t need perfect vision—we just need presence, patience, and a willingness to open the door.
